Sunday, May 19, 2013

Scumbag Brain

I went to bed almost two hours ago (I really am 90), and here I am wide awake. 
You know that moment - the one where your brain won't shut down, where it relives everything in fast forward, and causes you grief and anxiety which trash any idea of sleeping. Yup! That's where I'm at. Damn Scumbag Brain.
In a small attempt to try and quell my racing mind, I have come outside to enjoy the almost half moon, stars, floating clouds, random barking dog - seriously that's an issue - and passing traffic noise at an attempt of cathartic release through writing; we'll see how it goes. 
Sometimes I feel like wrangling my thoughts is comparative to my day-to-day life - trying to corral a herd of feral cats. They are all over the place; they can be nasty and vile with significant emotional damage to cute and fluffy with love to spare. Tonight, I feel a bit like an emotional ping pong ball because of this.
These are the (general) moments I have been reliving and the thoughts I want to share to help put them in perspective to life as we know it.
- Sometimes you never get closure - This can hurt on so many levels that it becomes immeasurable. Do your best to make peace with it but know it never truly goes away. 
- Sometimes you lose something that cannot be replaced  - Don't seek a replacement because it will never measure up, and you will always be disappointed in the end. 
- Sometimes you don't know quite what to say - Find a way. You will only continue to try and work out ways to say what you want/need/mean. Write it down, type it out, say it - send it by email, fax, carrier pigeon; it doesn't matter how, but make sure you get it out. 
- Sometimes things don't go as planned - This is normal; get used to it.
- At some point, you will regret something - Remember, regret gets you no where. Try to learn the lesson that life was teaching at the moment and move on. You cannot live on regrets; it will make you sad and bitter. 
- At some point, you will damage something that cannot be repaired - Stop trying to find a way to fix it. What's done is done; and if it is meant to be, it will be. It is a dangerously slippery slope which will eventually consume some part of you. 
- At some point, you will question your decisions - I think I am learning that this is normal. It is a part of transitioning from period to period in your life. Just remember the "what ifs" will only make you sad and miserable; you must focus on the "what nows" because your future is all you can truly control. 
- Finally, you will wonder why - Another slippery slope that can cause you great distress. Try not to dwell here; it is an ugly place that isn't worth the time and energy. 

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think..." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh ~ A.A. Milne


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