That moment

... when you realize that as you grow older your views shift. 

• Saw a bachelorette getting out of her car today and her and her accompanying party looked like they weren't able to get into a bar. This was a bit scary, as I have grown to believe that you should be a lot closer to the 30 marker than the 20 marker to get married. I know it all seems logical to marry young, have kids, etc... but that's just not true. Spend your 20's developing yourself, experiencing culture, and enjoying life; you only get one shot at this - do it right!

... when you wish you could have a conversation with someone, but you can't. 

• Growing up and growing older makes this harder especially when the people you trust with your emotions, complaints, joys, heart, soul, and craziness are few and far between. Be cautious with these connections and nurture them because one day you will not have them any more.

... when you realize that you are learning to stop caring so much about the little things. 

• Middle of the day and we had amazing homemade ice cream from Sweet Cow (gasp) before dinner. Life's uncertain eat dessert first (just not all the time)!

... when you make a conscious decision to work harder at everything. 

• This comes from a background of being required to be an active member of my family. I despise people who choose not to work; if you are of able mind and body to work, you should. I don't care how rich your husband, daddy, mama, grandmama is, you should work. This can be as limited as a part time job paired with volunteering or as much as a full time job to help plan for retirement. What I know is this is one of the reasons for a weakened sense of self and country. 

... when you realize that small things still make you happy. 

• Enjoyed the hell out of (Fast & the) Furious 6! Six installments later and I am still bought in. Same went for the new Star Trek and Iron Man. :-) 

... when getting your ass handed to you sounds like a great idea. 

• I love getting my ass kicked in a variety of ways whether it be through psyching myself up to try out for derby next season, ice skating, or kickboxing class. This is a shift in my own thoughts and it is for the better. It really just means find something you love and go all in. 

... when you realize that family is priority. 

• When you come from a background where family is complicated the decisions you make in regards to them will shape your future relationships. Those that you consider family (blood or not) are the ones who you are required to make the effort to be with and make memories with. Don't take them for granted - a simple text, a quick email, a card, or a phone call will suffice. Make sure that no matter the next day's outcome your family knows that you love them and will always care for them. Be sure that when they are gone you can make peace with their departure and have a ton of amazing memories to help you make it through the tough times. 

Cookouts, shorts, and popsicles

Summer is almost official, at least by our standards and not the calendar's, with the start of Memorial (Decoration) Day weekend.
First, it is very important to remember that this holiday isn't just about summer cookouts, shorts, and popsicles; it is about those that have given their lives to protect those cookouts, shorts, and popsicles. They have continued to protect all of the things we love and hate about our country. Without them, this weekend wouldn't be possible and our course would have been extremely different. I give my sincerest thanks to all who have served, continue to serve, and will serve in the words of the Zac Brown Band, "I thank God for my life, for the stars and stripes, may freedom forever fly, let it ring. Salute the ones who've died, the ones that give their lives, so we don't have to sacrifice all the things we love like our chicken fried and cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up."
Second, I raise my glass to all of the teachers whose year is done. I know every year is a bittersweet end; we will miss every face that has touched our lives and will remember the ones that touched our hearts, but it is time to see them move on and take the next steps. Every single one of you deserves this break, and for those who don't agree remember teachers have exactly 23 "standard" working days (8 hour days with 185 days per school year) to teach your child everything they need to know for their subject that year. Could you do your year long job in just 23 days? Next, to all of those who take over for the summer (parents, babysitters, nannies, older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...) Enjoy! Children are an amazing gift getting ready for a complicated and ever changing world. Read with them, allow them to think and grow, let them take some risks, challenge them, create with them, imagine with them, read (more) with them, let them fail, let them continue to experience pure joy (the one most adults have lost) rejoice in their smallest successes, nurture them, practice with them, and allow them to express their whole selves.
Finally, here's to summer. Here's to making it count - Don't get lost in the day-to-day, remember to enjoy the moments. Take time with those who mean the most to you because they will not be around forever; utilize this time. Make memories because in the end they will be all that matters, not the amount of "stuff" you let accumulate in your house. Be honest with yourself. Indulge your childish side - visit a water park, buy ice cream from the ice cream man, giggle, splash down a slip and slide, play in the mud, and be genuinely happy. Relax. Finish something. Do something that makes your soul feel good. Enjoy Mother Nature.   
Happy summer everyone!

Scumbag Brain

I went to bed almost two hours ago (I really am 90), and here I am wide awake. 

You know that moment - the one where your brain won't shut down, where it relives everything in fast forward, and causes you grief and anxiety which trash any idea of sleeping. Yup! That's where I'm at. Damn Scumbag Brain.
In a small attempt to try and quell my racing mind, I have come outside to enjoy the almost half moon, stars, floating clouds, random barking dog - seriously that's an issue - and passing traffic noise at an attempt of cathartic release through writing; we'll see how it goes. 

Sometimes I feel like wrangling my thoughts is comparative to my day-to-day life - trying to corral a herd of feral cats. They are all over the place; they can be nasty and vile with significant emotional damage to cute and fluffy with love to spare. Tonight, I feel a bit like an emotional ping pong ball because of this.

These are the (general) moments I have been reliving and the thoughts I want to share to help put them in perspective to life as we know it.

- Sometimes you never get closure - This can hurt on so many levels that it becomes immeasurable. Do your best to make peace with it but know it never truly goes away. 

- Sometimes you lose something that cannot be replaced  - Don't seek a replacement because it will never measure up, and you will always be disappointed in the end. 

- Sometimes you don't know quite what to say - Find a way. You will only continue to try and work out ways to say what you want/need/mean. Write it down, type it out, say it - send it by email, fax, carrier pigeon; it doesn't matter how, but make sure you get it out. 

- Sometimes things don't go as planned - This is normal; get used to it.

- At some point, you will regret something - Remember, regret gets you no where. Try to learn the lesson that life was teaching at the moment and move on. You cannot live on regrets; it will make you sad and bitter. 

- At some point, you will damage something that cannot be repaired - Stop trying to find a way to fix it. What's done is done; and if it is meant to be, it will be. It is a dangerously slippery slope which will eventually consume some part of you. 

- At some point, you will question your decisions - I think I am learning that this is normal. It is a part of transitioning from period to period in your life. Just remember the "what ifs" will only make you sad and miserable; you must focus on the "what nows" because your future is all you can truly control. 

- Finally, you will wonder why - Another slippery slope that can cause you great distress. Try not to dwell here; it is an ugly place that isn't worth the time and energy. 

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think..." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh ~ A.A. Milne

Greatness is within...

... this is the Everlast slogan that is all over the gym that I attend. I see it all the time, yet some days it is harder to comprehend than others. Ever since I have gotten sick, I have felt my belief in that sentiment wax and wane. Before it was easy, I was going to school full time, working full time (including weekends), and going to the gym whenever I could; I rarely slept and was always on the move. Then, it happened, the eight year (and counting) cycle to figure out what is exactly wrong with me and how to fix it. Now, I have to deal with the continuing reminder that greatness comes from within but it is often hard to recognize that when you struggle internally and no one sees that you are "actually sick".
It is hard when you are busting your ass and seeing limited results while all the people around you are preparing for bikini season! It is hard when you are doing what others would view as extraordinarily hard, and when they work half as hard they see results. What is even harder it knowing that people think that because I am just above the average American woman's size that I must do nothing, I must sit at home and eat french fries and potato chips, and that I must not have the will to want to change. These are taxing on the mental and emotional capacities and make it hard to remind myself that greatness DOES come from within.
Remember, no matter what you are struggling with, some one is struggling more and that you have to compare yourself to you - in life you can't measure your success by "keeping up with the Jones's", you must measure it by always improving you. So say "screw it" it the masses that have a skewed vision of "perfection" and become the most perfect you you can be because none of us are going to make it out alive anyway and in the end what will matter is what you did to make your life and being meaningful to you.

Bad days and fishnets

"Bad days" are the pinnacle of first world problems. In the scheme of all problems, my bad day wasn't even a drop in the bucket, but it was enough to get me down. Generally, I try not to let days like these get to me especially when parts of it are medically caused(though I think a few of my friends, who are kind enough to listen to me whine, may be to differ). I know that I am truly fortunate, and that is where I prefer to let my thoughts lie.

So, I moved onto more "important" (hahaha) things, as in I have nothing to wear for pimps and hos night at kickball. I mean what thirty year old woman has no "ho" attire in her closet?!?!? No fishnets, no leopard print, no skin tight Lycra - nothing. (Okay, maybe I do have some heeled thigh high boots, but can I really manage to wear those for kickball - haven't committed to that yet!) 

What is a woman to do? Ahhh, yes, the internet - wealth of knowledge please tell me what I can wear for pimps and hos night. No, I don't want to be directed to Ebay. No, I don't want to look at your shopping for hos. Dammit! Stop trying to sell me s&*t! Reasonably, I must have something in my closet that should be passable, oh wait I have no Lycra, no leopard print, and no fishnets perhaps not. Search again. Costume ideas for pimps and hos night.  No, I don't want to be directed to Ebay. No, I don't want to look at your shopping for hos. Dammit! Stop trying to sell me s&*t! Okay, lets try being "creative" and searching for thrift store costume ideas - BUST! But at least they stopped trying to sell me s&*t. 

Now I sit still pondering what to wear for pimps and hos night and the practicality of that in order to clear up a few bad days. My reminder to you - be honest with your thoughts, keep things in perspective, and fishnets will always cause a few smiles! 

Toilet paper, floss, and a lesson in having fun

Let me begin by saying if you are thinking of doing something that is a bit outside your comfort zone but seems like it could be a good time, DO IT! 

This story begins with a simple statement as, "Honey, lets play kickball." Now, you have to understand, I am not exactly the competitive sports do something with a ball type of person; I couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a bat and ball if my life depended on it - rec league volleyball is about as "crazy" as I get. I was assured it would be fun. Begrudgingly, I accepted; this was nowhere near my comfort zone - fabulous. Now, fast forward to getting ready to sign up and pay our dues - "Oh, by the way, it's beer in hand kickball!" Say what?!?! What in the hell does this mean? Google. Google. Google. Must Google! 

Google leads me to to league's page (Yes, there is an entire league dedicated to beer in hand kickball). What do you mean I have to have a drink in hand at all times in an open cup, I can barely catch a huge ass rubber ball with two hands!?!?!? Too late now, I am officially on a team and scheduled for our first games. I begin reading the rules and am a bit relieved that this is not a serious competitive league that we are playing on (whew! there are actually some of those too), and in the summer time a slip and slide can take the place of the second to third base run - those things were so much fun! I amazingly survive games 1 & 2 and manage to have a bit of fun. Game 3 was a little crazy as the other team was way to competitive and needed to relax a little OR join a different league. Game 4 was a great time, and I have found myself enjoying it more and more. Game 5 is on its way, assuming the weather holds, and my awkward prom costume is pretty much complete. My lesson learned is to step outside the bounds as often as you can, you never know where random and hilarious fun may be found!

And on life lessons, as I am creeping rapidly to the marker of thirty one, there are a few things I have learned - never settle for cheap toilet paper, cheap dental floss, love that isn't the "throw you against the wall" soap opera style, and cheap running shoes! 

Holy Hell Batman! Where did the time go?

It is amazing how quickly time passes.

This has been one hell of a thirtieth year! I am three months outside of thirty one; how did that happen? I am really not sure.

So, in this thirtieth year I have learner several things; life is still unexpected, family is extremely important, therapy can be helpful, and at thirty you still don't have a great idea who you are!

I have obviously fallen short on blogging more often which probably isn't a good thing, but I have kept up with many of my other ideals from the very beginning. Finding myself has been a little trickier than I imagined because delving deep within yourself and bringing things to light can be scary, painful, and hurtful to others, however it is proving important and refreshing. Obviously haven't found that serenity yet...

I will update soon and talk about the things that have been going on, but I just couldn't believe how much time I have let lapse.

Don't wait, time flies by and you lose precious moments with others and especially yourself. Be honest with your wants, needs, relationships, and values. Love what you do for a living and where you are living; we get one shot to get this right and it isn't a given - seek it out, work hard, love deeply, and play harder.