Holiday Weirdness

As this holiday approaches, everything is different. First, this feels like a weird holiday because I will not be with my parents and not because they aren't physically here but being together this year was impractical between flights and work schedules. That makes me feel a bit out of place because it is my family that makes my holidays. I am proud to say that I talk to my parents almost everyday, and I can't think of another way I'd have it. Second, my husband and I are on our own across the country from where we have spent the last 13 years for the holidays. This is insane because there will be no gifts (by choice) and we will be cooking and celebrating in small ways. This truly reminds us what Christmas is all about and why it is important to make sure all of those ideals are kept in mind! Third, and finally, it makes me realize that it is time to start making decisions for the long term. I wish my family was closer, and I guess I am understanding why some families never part ways (though I can't say I think that is healthy because what suited your family may not suit you.) 

As we come closer to Christmas Eve and then Christmas, remember to keep your family close, the presents small, and the memories big.  

Ninja free

There is something to be said for having time to yourself; hell, I managed to cook and eat dinner, have a great conversation with an old friend, unload and load the dishwasher, catch up on a few episodes of General Hospital, and begin working on our extensive hand written Christmas card list. However, in the event that you have two boys like mine, they become even more over protective when I am home alone - which is awesome and awful all at the same time.
For example, tonight I came flying out of the shower because my oldest starting raising cane near the front door after I heard something like a ninja dropping onto the front porch. Now, this causes a ton of problems: our floor is tile, there was conditioner in my hair, and a psychotic 125 pound mass of anger. The only saving graces are: I am safe, do not have a concussion (I managed to stay upright), and there were no ninjas on the front porch (though that says little for the backyard)!
This is an amazing option, our boys are sweet as long as they know they are allowed to be but when there is an air of uncertainty, that is an entirely different story. For those many days and nights that I spent alone, I couldn't have asked for better companions and protectors; however, when there are no ninjas on the front porch and they become a bit like helicopter parents when I am alone, it can be nerve racking! Whilst I appreciate the vigilance in care, I do not appreciate a rousing round of Sir Barks A Lot at the natural bumps in the night that come from living in a city.
Now that I am certain that the house is ninja free and all of the doors have been locked at least twice and I have allowed the boys on at least two rounds of patrol, we are settling in for the night. As Christmas draws nearer, remember to love all of those around you, and do not forget your pets for one day you will have to say goodbye and your whole world will have to move on from those fur paws, wet noses, and wagging nubbies (tails) - remember, your pets may only be a part of your world but you are all of theirs.
Tonight, I listen to the deep breathing that only comes from a human sized canine, and know that I appreciate the crazy, helicopter over protection that they give me because it allows me to sleep peacefully and know to the fullest extent how much I will miss them when I have to say goodbye.

"Alas, poor Brutus..."

I can't believe that 2013 is so close to being over! As we are approaching the holidays, and it seems as though my days and nights are non-stop crazy, I am stopping to reflect.

First, for the first time in my entire life (all 31 years minus one but "Alas, poor Brutus, I knew him well..." that's another story), I will not be with my parents for Christmas. This is a horrifying thought, and not because of the gifts (we stopped exchanging years ago) but because it is scary and a little sad. I knew this would eventually happen, but I don't know that I was ready for it right now; thanks ridiculously priced airline tickets. I thought this might happen if we had kids or if there was some sort of crisis, but right now? These are the moments when you wished you lived closer or you could convince them to move. I have been fortunate that they have allowed me to spread my wings and encouraged me to move and go places that make me happy. Regrettably, that also leads to this eventual happening, where I will be across country for the holidays, and I won't get to harass my mom Christmas morning or play drunken scrabble Christmas night. or celebrate the impending New Year with a drink and a toast between parents and daughter. Now, this doesn't mean it is all bad, as there are plans to see one another several times in a short window of time, but for the holidays it makes me a little sad. In short (hahaha), if your family is close, don't take them for granted - invite them over more often, do silly things together no matter your (or their) age, appreciate them for all that they are, and make the holidays count. 

Second, as my nights have been a little insane, remember those grown up moments suck! I am not really sure why everyone is in a hurry to grow up; don't do it, it's a trap! I have always been an "old soul", but when you recognize that the conversations between you and your significant other can include; insurance, infertility, carpet cleaning, chores, upcoming plans with friends, budget, reupholstery, and family, you begin to realize that you have fallen comfortably into your thirties.  

Finally, in the crazy moments of the holidays, I will reiterate some things I have said before, don't spend money on gifts; enjoy the moments and the people around you. 

Stop.

First, on this Veterans Day, I want to take a moment to thank all of those who have served, presently serve, and will serve, for my freedoms - and most obviously my freedom of speech. These brave men and women, past, present, and future, sacrifice everything to ensure our continued enjoyment of the United States of America. Remember to thank a Veteran, donate to one of the many amazing causes that support them, and remember that they do not leave their scars behind when they exit the armed forces.
Second, when in the hell did the calendar reach November 11th?!!? I feel like it was just the end of summer, and now every store has been shoving Christmas down my throat for at least two and a half to three weeks. Understand, I love Christmas, but I also enjoy Halloween and Thanksgiving too. Why in the world have we stopped celebrating these holidays in order? Oh wait, I forgot, we commercialized everything to generate money to feed the capitalistic machine, which makes me more than a little bit sad. We spend more money to buy more crap that none of us will ever be able to enjoy. That food chopper will end up in the cabinet, those toys will be a novelty and then end up at the bottom of a toy box, that new ring will join a collection in the jewelry box after the flaunting to friends, the excess junk will be forgotten, and the clean up will take three times longer than you expected because everyone will be enamored with their new shiny objects. Then, everyone will retreat to their respective corners on cell phones to text, computers to Facebook, and gaming consoles to play with kids in another country; Stop.
It is time to rethink how we interact with one another and how we show appreciation for our friends and family. When all is said and done, none of the "stuff" will matter. What will matter is the time you spent, how you helped others, the memories you made, and the laughter you shared. As a family this year, make a pact to do things together, put down the technology to make memories, and learn to enjoy each other's company in person. As you begin to age, you recognize that you need less junk and more quality time. Regrettably, that is far and few between any more. Too often are there photos of friends sitting together all staring at their phone screens or conversations only taking place via text. Make a plan to break those habits for children and adults alike for when you are gone only the memories will remain.
Finally, I have many, many things to give thanks for this fall season. My parents who love me no matter the craziness. My husband who continues to improve as each year passes. My older sister who proves the impossible is possible. My baby sister who is the epitome of being in your twenties. My older brother who struggles to face his inner demons but keeps trying. My extended family for learning to accept me for me. My pups for making me laugh and smile and unconditional love. Medical care even if it is still a practice, and often feels that way. Friends who "get it." Coworkers who are compassionate and an amazing gift. Winter on its way. The crisp air of fall and the sunshine that goes with it. New snowboarding gear. My students for keeping me on my toes. Baking (especially cupcakes). Upcoming adventures. I hope that each of you has many things to be thankful for and continues to remember those each and every day not just in this season.

A blur of turkey, shopping, wrapping paper, and champagne.

On sleepless nights, it feels like I do a lot of additional thinking; tonight (well this morning technically) is one of those. I am hoping that by the time I get all of this typed and ready to go that maybe I will get a few more hours sleep before having to begin a really long day in a few hours; I really think planning a nap might be in order! Here are my random ramblings in no particular order... 

I love the holidays (as my past posts suggest), but as we are approaching the holidays, retail stores need to be reminded that there is an order to said holidays. First comes Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas... Why I have to have Christmas shoved down my throat starting at the end of September is beyond me and Christmas carols playing before Santa arrives at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade should be illegal. 

Go for a long term change of scenery. It is great that you were born and grew up in the same vicinity, that you went to college within driving distance of home, and that your family has always supported you doing the same things repeatedly; but honestly spread your wings. There is never going to be a perfect time and once you lock yourself in, you commit to doing the same things over and over again. How can you speak to the changes of the world or the changes in your community if you do not know anything beyond your own limited knowledge of location and time? Make changes happen... Travel, throw a dart at a map and move to the closest city, spend some time without the comforts of technology that we rely on, move away from family, move closer to family, move into the middle of nowhere and get to know the sounds of the crickets and bullfrogs, move where it snows and the meaning of fall is new for you, move to the beach where the sea breeze brings the smell of salt and fish; it really doesn't matter, just try it. 

Remember that as the holidays approach to focus in on what really matters. It isn't about that brand new toy for your child, it's about teaching them to give back. It isn't about who received the most expensive gift, it is about the memories you made. It isn't about the crazy lines in the store, it's about continuing traditions. It isn't about buying your wife that new shiny (insert jewelry piece here) she really doesn't need it to sit and collect dust, it's about spending time hand in hand sharing love, laughter, and meaningful hugs. It isn't about who wins the ball game, it's about cheering on your team and knowing that the outcome has no actual bearing on your life. It isn't about cooking the most elegant feast, it is about making a place that is comfortable where you pass the hours chatting and laughing. It isn't about your house being perfectly decorated, it is about sharing you heart and home with those closest to you. It isn't about making sure that you make everything on your schedule, it is about knowing when you have to give in and where to be flexible. It isn't about buying everything on the list, it is about learning that the commercialization of the holidays doesn't reflect what's in your heart. It isn't about following all of your plans to a "T", it is about being faithful to your families traditions but making them your own and even making new ones. It isn't about being busy every minute from the time Halloween ends until you are ringing in the New Year, it is about finding calm in the chaos and enjoying as many moments as you possibly can - these will only happen once and if you allow them to fly by, you will remember only a blur of turkey, shopping, wrapping paper, and champagne. 

Crimson and sunshine

Crisp clean air, hues of crimson and sunshine, and the aroma of cinnamon wafting through the air with visions of hot chocolate and snow dancing through my head - these are the things that remind me that Autumn has arrived. I adore Autumn in part because it is ushering in (what I hope to be) a white winter wonderland.

This time of year always reminds me of my grandmother who religiously decorated for the holidays and ensured that we attended mass every Saturday night much to the chagrin of me and my brother. It reminds me of all of the things that I treasure; a sense of family, a love of the holidays, my wedding anniversary, birthdays of many the most important people in my life, and being able to continue finding joy in Christmas lights and carols. 

A lot of people talk about the pain that the holidays bring once they have lost someone, and to a small extent I understand, but the other large part of me just gets confused. This time of year is the time to cherish and remember those that are no longer physically present in your life not to mourn. My grandmother was a huge proponent of every holiday (I am pretty sure she had decorations for all of them right down to St. Patrick's), and even when there wasn't money involved we had a love of them all. I think of her often as the holidays approach and remember that she is the reason that I have the an adoration for window shopping, checking out the beautiful holiday window displays, and the yearning to share that spirit with everyone around me. I will forever wish you a Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, and Merry Christmas and strive to send out those cards every year, I will strive to be awake to watch Santa arrive on Thanksgiving Day, I will forever sing ridiculous Christmas carols (as soon as Thanksgiving is in the wings) in the car and most likely in my house, and I will continue to enjoy Christmas movies every year (Except White Christmas - Sorry mom!). Most importantly, I will continue to build memories with  my family which has been the greatest tradition we have ever started.

I hope that as my husband and I pursue having children that I will keep these traditions alive and proudly honor each of our families. There is so much love surrounding this stretch of the year, and I want to strive to live in the positive, for the moment, and within each moment; I do not wish to dwell in the area that so many struggle with.
Here's to enjoying the upcoming moments as Halloween gives way to barren trees and Thanksgiving, and the turkey moves over so that Santa may arrive at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade to usher in Christmas. Find joy in the positives and wash away the negatives; keep those that you have lost close to your heart where they will forever dwell and let them warm your heart at the exact moment you feel the darkness creeping in.  

Just a reminder

My dad gave me a reminding piece of advice this week as the stress levels at my home rise, "Do not borrow trouble and why worry about it if you cannot change it." ~ something my grandmother shared on a regular basis. This is especially true in light of present situations. With you I share a few reminders.

- Just because you can research every nuance of something does not mean that you should. Stay away from drug company commercials, all medical symptom diagnosis sites, and the crazy spiral of research that can happen on the internet. It isn't safe, it isn't healthy, and by the time that you are done, you will have cancer of varying organs, lupus (though House says it's never lupus), an infection, and a rare disease only found in third world countries with a side effect of death. Don't do it; it's not worth it.

- Just because you are invited into an argument does not mean that you have to participate.

- Just because you have reason to be all "doom and gloom" does not mean you have to chose to be. You are the one who alters the way you feel, who you allow to affect those feelings, and how you chose to deal with your situations. Always work to find the positives even in the darkest of times.

- Just because you are an adult does not mean you have to put away all childish things; revel in the small things, enjoy the time that you have, and do something that makes you feel like a kid!

Making "new" happen

As the month draws to a close, 31 has come and gone, and I am bit frustrated with myself.
It's time to seriously change my mindset and that's is proving to be a much more difficult task than it has been in the past... I am not sure why that is and that makes it worse. 

I am working to figure it out and it needs to come sooner than later. I love my husband, I am thoroughly enjoying my exhausting job, and we are having a blast with where we are at and the things we are doing. However, as we look at taking the next steps in life, my mind is having a hell of a time getting to where it needs to be. 

Now, that I recognize this in full course, it's time to rectify this problem starting this new coming of a new season with a new mindset. The only question is, how exactly do I go about doing that?!?!

Forget the fairy tale - an actual love-ish story.

In less than 10 days, I will turn 31 and that means that I have known my husband for more than half of my life. Honestly, that seems so very impossible, and there are only an elite few that have that honor (or horror, depending upon who you ask!).

If you are expecting fairy tale perfection here, you can keep moving, this isn't the story for you, and I won't bore you with all the details, but here are some random highlights: rocky starts, a yellow camaro, blue hair dying in the front yard in the middle of (Florida) winter, skater pants, sneaking out in the middle of the night, a lost watch, random trips to nowhere, skipping school, separation, a gold necklace, moving to Atlanta, Marvelous 3's final concert, no sleep (who needed sleep?!?), shuttle launches, a Christmastime proposal, long drives, fights, being ramen noodle broke, turning 21 twice, buying a house, marriage planned in two weeks, surgery, making lifelong friends, college, one car totaled,  a broken foot (it was his fault), learning the importance of family, a broken nose (or so he says), graduation, still no sleep (different reasons), remodeling, puppy dogs, not wearing wedding bands, crazy cats, success and loss, traveling, moving cross country, snowboarding, and loving life.

Obviously, we have both grown and changed immensely since the start of our relationship, and that hasn't exactly been simple; I am pretty certain we have only made it through some days because murder = prison. We are not a fairy tale couple: we are flawed, damaged, imperfect, and still have a ton of room for improvement, but most days we work hard to make it worthwhile. Today, the mundane reminded me of just that, we are imperfect, but as we get older we are growing mostly for the better. We don't have it all figured out and some days it feels like we have none of it figured out, but we keep fighting through our flaws together.

I don't know what the secret to a long, fruitful, and happy marriage is, and I have no idea if that will be where this journey ends, but I do know that as long as we can keep overcoming the hurdles, we have a chance.

So, forget the fairy tales and start searching for a realistic narrative that is ever changing and evolving, that is where you will find your prince charming even though some days he will still seem a bit like a frog.

Our wedding in Negril. 

Turning 31 and babies on the brain

Today is a day of thoughtful reflection and emotion.

First, was the revelation that if I am serious about becoming a mother (dun, dun, dun, dun,  dunnnnn), then I need to take the weight I have gained back off. Well, hell, don't you think I have been trying that?!?! Sombering to say the least. I have been riding this roller coaster for a while, and I definitely understand the realities behind it. I, like a genius, pulled up some photos from my engagement (I had lost a significant amount of weight at that time), and the jury is still out on whether that was helpful of harmful. I realize more than ever that I miss some of the support systems that I had in place to help me on this journey, and that I need to find what came from within once again. Where in the hell did that run off too? I think I left it at the end of college graduation. Anyone have a time machine I can borrow? On that note; call into the nutritionist = done! Emotional motivation = here! Reality of failed recent attempts = in attendance!

Second, I love skating - this is not a new revelation. I had a blast at drop in derby last night and definitely want to continue it. Sometimes we forget about the things we love because we are so wrapped up in life and the day-to-day. We have to stop saying, "I will get around to that when..." This is a horrible excuse that gets us no where. It does not get us doing the things we love, it does not get us to the places we love, it does not allow us to explore the world, it does not allow us to a career that fulfills us, and it does not make sense for a happy and fulfilled future. My husband is truly an inspiration for this; he isn't afraid of things of this nature, and even though he drives me crazy, it helps me to push my own boundaries and take a different outlook on aspects of my life. Whatever your "I will..." is, get out there and do it!

Third, in less than two weeks I will officially be "in" my thirties! This is a scary thought for many reasons: my baby sister is now legally allowed to drink, my father is not immortal, my mother is a saint, my older sister is an inspiration, and my brother is, well... hes got a good heart. Priorities change the older you get, and I am learning to appreciate them. Age is only a number, but there seem to be certain passages that come with those ever changing numbers: learning to appreciate your family more and learning who your true friends are, taking stock of your life and thinking ahead to retirement, those damn grey hairs that keep multiplying in between touch ups, the value of a good pair of shoes, and realizing that this is the only chance we have to "get it right", or in my case as close to that as possible.

Finally, love is a funny thing. Love is about so much more that happy pictures, a fairy tale wedding, external shows of affection, and eternally wedded bliss; it is about getting one another through every peak and every valley and facing the challenges together. It's about living with someone that you feel like murdering some days and other days not being able to be away from them. It's about the person who completes you, challenges you, fights with you but never against you, and drives you crazy. Love is about someone knowing you inside and out and still loving you.

Striving for better future generations

Do not strive for perfection; it is only an illusion. Strive to be a better person than you were yesterday, and someone that you can be proud of tomorrow. Some days you will screw it up, I guarantee it. However, if we focus solely on our failures that is all that we will ever see. Focus on the now and work each step from there.
Society is a terrible thing. We are constantly bombarded by "norms" that it has set forth. Now mind you, these "norms" are ever-changing and in little way match what we did in the past and will have limited bearing on the future. Society attempts to dictate the following (and many more): what jobs are "acceptable" based on sex, your skin color has a determinate on your self worth, government is allowed to change its story, weight means more than your soul, imperfections are not tolerated, and marriage has a strict definition.

We as a society must work to change these things. We must work to better ourselves and future generations; common sense must trump learned behavior. We cannot stand behind a government that is not "for the people" and remain voiceless allowing that to occur. We cannot allow our emotions to overwhelm our logic; there is a time and right to protest but it must be done peacefully and logically. "All men are created equal..." is one of the most powerful lines ever written, however we forget to enforce that concept among ourselves even though our ancestors put in the time and sacrifice to establish those boundaries. Why do we work so hard to allow those walls to remain? We cannot stand for our sons and daughters, nieces and nephews, grandsons and granddaughters, to have their lives dictated by unreasonable standards. All children should be encouraged to do their best, love what they do, explore all of their options, and respect their elders. It's okay if your son wants to join gymnastics, and it's okay to buy your daughter Legos. Nourish their whole being, and they will turn out to be exactly who they are supposed to be. It's time for a beautiful combination of Generation Now meets the Silent Generation as our children enter an ever complicated society. So, here's to less technology, more family dinners, parents not friends, summer camp, reading, sibling squabbles, running barefoot in the grass, not needing warning stickers on everything, common sense, laughter and tears, sleepovers, food in its unmodified form, chores, endless summer nights catching fireflies, and respect.


Know how far you have come and strive to go further.
Work everyday to complain less.
Believe in yourself.
Try new things.
Be inspired.
Be positive.
Achieve
Dream.
Listen.
Love.
Do.

Silver and Gold

Laying in bed, listening to the sounds of sleep from all of those around me, many things become apparent. First is the reminder that my thirties are going to be interesting, and I don't think I would change that. You grow as you age (or at least you are supposed to), and hopefully you learn to better navigate the bumps in the road. Most inherently is the idea that I am definitely far behind the majority of my peers with having started a family, and I am completely okay with that. I have grown immensely in my previous years and feel that it better suits me to make decisions. The idea of starting a family changes everything; there is often a lack of ability to do things and your "center of gravity" changes. I feel that waiting is a better option, assuming you understand and are willing to accept the risks. As a whole, we are living longer and that means it is time to start carefully balancing the biological clock in order to truly fulfill such a long life.

Second is reminding yourself of the things that bring you joy; my dogs dozing, baking, my husband shifting in bed, the cats running around like they have lost their minds, being outside, loving what I do for a living, great friends, good wine, and fulfilling things that I have worked for. We often lose sight of the things that bring us joy and settle for the things that are taking center stage at a particular moment in our lives. Be aware of when that is happening and try to reshift your focus! We have a limited time here and need to remember that in order to create a better balance of positive and negatives in our lives.

Finally is the idea that you have to live life as it suits you. Society, overall, has a very specific set of standards that you are expected to meet: grow up, go to college, move out, have a successful career, get married, have children, etc... These parameters are based on an outdated system. You have to live life for you and as it makes sense for you. Not everyone is cut out for college, and that's okay. Not everyone will have children, and that's okay. Not everyone will look like a Victoria Secrets/Calvin Klein model, and that's okay. We, as a society, need to stop living completely through norms set through the mid 1900's and realize that it's time to blend the old with the new. I believe wholeheartedly in many of the standards of that time period; a few of them - family dinners, having what you need and not what you want, children having a childhood, "clean foods", and everyone having a sense of care and responsibility for one another. However, we need to look carefully at what and when we expect those things to happen especially in the age we have entered. Without a careful balance of the traditional and the modern, the results are ugly.

Making Summer Memories

It has been a crazy few weeks; vacation has been exhausting and absolutely amazing.
Let me begin this statement with I despise the heat, humidity, sand, saltwater, boats, bugs, and sunburns. However, Island Time in the short term is fine by me and we began this journey by heading to the southern most point of the continental US.

(Almost) Southern Most Point Highlights: sweating to death on the plane, sun, convertible, floating hotel (Floating Sea Cove Marina for those up for an adventure in place of luxury), beach, husband time, seafood, relaxation, Kmart, Publix subs (roast beef and white american cheese with everything!), driving, and Key Largo Chocolates (this has been some of the best chocolate I have had, and I've had it from lots of places)!

Actual Southern Most Point Highlights: tiara, wand, and leopard print leggings, family part 1, crashing a local bar, birthday celebrations - including a 21st (obviously not mine!), drinking heavily (not me), throwing up in a trash can (again, not me), seafood, key lime pie, resort life, Catfish the taxi driver, all day water adventure, parasailing, jet skiing, snorkeling, inflatables in the ocean (I actually made it up and down the slide!), throwing up on a boat (definitely me), fire ant bites, Duval Street, chocolate cigars, and lots of laughs and water.

Central Peninsula Style Highlights - family part 2, long lines, sweat, multiple rides on the water rafts, niece and nephew time, watching my parents be grandparents, band aids, belly flops in the kids pool (still not me), Transformers, pirate dinner, airport time, pool, swimming, sunning, raining, drying shoes, lobby Starbucks, good conversation, fireworks, water projection, red ant bites, amusement park food and Dippin' Dots, home-cooked family comfort food, war, old maid, go fish, Barbies, family meals, and watching my sister surf out of the pool still inside the inflatable tube.

As I am wrapping up my vacation with amazing company of friends, I would like to remind everyone that it isn't about the amount of stuff that you accumulate that makes you rich, it is the number of memories and experiences with the people that help you make them.  Cherish that time and those memories and forget about everything else.

Sunscreen and Spic-N-Span

It was green and grainy and made a whining sound when scrubbed into the kitchen sink. Its cylindrical cardboard container perfectly matched to the color of the product inside. - Comet

It is as clear as water yet its smell is pungent and deadly and feels slimy as it crosses your skin. - Clorox

It was orange but yet had not a citrus scent but the distinct smell of Spic-N-Span! 

My grandmother was a neat freak with a million knick-knacks (I am not really sure how the two went hand in hand)! I grew up under her cleaning guidance in a small two bedroom apartment with gold carpeting and shortly after my dad's mauve pants phase. There were four of us in this home, and it was truly a home. It was comfortable, clean, and full of love. However, our home was not that way by accident, and we were all required to play our part to be sure that it stayed that way. From making beds and putting clothes away, to washing dishes, dusting (all those fragile things), and even scrubbing baseboards, we all had a role and were taught responsibility early on. 

Now, having grown up under this amazing guidance, I am not as neat as I should be, though I blame a lot of that on my husband and his baseline hoarding and our menagerie of animals, and I don't do all of the things that my grandma taught me were "required". For example, making your bed every day - Why?!?! I am just going to get back into it soon. However, I still hold many of the same values, and I think that is where I have gotten my penance for not being able to leave the house before vacation without it being clean or else I break out in hives. Thus, I have spent a huge amount of time in the last weeks doing every menial task that you could think of (it also helps that I am on summer break): scrubbing baseboards, cleaning walls, hand scrubbing grout, etc. and now it is almost done, and it feels like I can breathe again! It is amazing how a good scrubbing can help you with feeling more put together, cleaner, and more sane. 

Additionally, this week, I was reminded that sunscreen is super important. Just before this vacation to celebrate birthdays, hang out with my absolutely insane family and friends, and enjoy time being together, it was determined I needed a biopsy. Now, I am not a regular "tanner", I don't spend hours in the sun on a regular basis without sunscreen, and I only used a tanning bed regularly on a short term basis - preparing for a wedding or summer vacation. However, I was born transparent and have a tendency of getting a bit "crispy" if I don't pay attention to my sun exposure.
As I wait for my results, I remind each of you to lather on the sunscreen and if you must be tan, do it with a self tanner or airbrush tan. Remember to reapply and pay attention to what your skin and body are telling you. Society tells us, at the present time, that tan is the only acceptable color for us folks born lacking pigmentation and that is without care and concern for your long term health beyond that imminent brown glow. Take care of yourself because in the end society won't be the one paying for your biopsy and/or treatment. 

Success?

Success is measured in a variety of different ways: the money you make, the title that's on your office door, your house being clean and your children well kept, your children surpassing your expectations, your lack of reliance on societal systems, etc. 

Sometimes, we get too caught up in the big picture to recognize the smaller successes; be careful how you measure success. Revel in the small things and make light of the failures leading up to the "big things". It can be difficult, but remember you are in control of your destiny. 

- Aim high. 

- Do what makes you happy, and if it doesn't make you rich, that's okay; if it does make you rich even better. 

- Try to maintain a positive outlook. 

- Keep a balance between enjoying your youth and learning to emulate your elders. 

- Life isn't fair but it is how you learn to deal with those discrepancies is what makes you stronger as a person. 

- Learn to laugh at yourself; everyone else is going to anyway. 

- Find strength in who you are. 

- You are allowed to be frustrated (angry, upset, sad, etc.), vent and move on. 

- Learn to find joy in (almost) everything. 

Absolutely Inspired

For those of you who don't know, I love to skate. Ice or track it really doesn't matter; I just like to skate and don't do it often enough.  That being said, I decided I wanted to try out for derby within the next rounds of try outs (fall/winter). This would require more general track time, strengthening my skills, and practicing with the derby girls... So, I made sure to begin with summer. Damn! Where can I skate just in general to practice and not derby drop ins...Hmm... Google! Skating rinks - calendars. Ahh! Found one with an adult drop in not far from the house. Sold!

Morning rolls around, skates are packed in the car, and I'm dressed to practice basic skating. I pull up to the ever shady roller rink building (why is it that all roller rinks have the same creepy vibe?!?) and wait for the starting time to enter. I'm a little nervous and really have no idea why, I've ice skated most of the winter and it hasn't been that long since I've been on quads. I step up, verify I am in the right place, and enter. As soon as I begin my approach, I realize that I am staring at the faces of people at least twice my age. Hmm....

I am quickly approached by friendly faces and kind smiles with tons of introductions and questions. I am assured I am in the right place and welcome to skate with them. Alright, I have no idea what I am in for, but I'm in! I lace up while having conversations with others around me. I recognize that many have their own personal skates - carrying case and all. Wow! What in the hell did I just get myself into?!?!

So it begins, an open skate. I, a little unsteadily, step out onto the floor. This sleekness is nothing to the icy glass from this winter, yet I manage to find my summer balance. Okay, off I go, and I am instantly passed by several skaters. I slow my pace to a crawl and take in the scene before me; the rink is well lit and clean with the impressions of roller hockey set up on the floor, Lawrence Welk era music plays from the modern speakers above my head, and the skaters are beautiful. They are there for different reasons and their clothes show it; some in ice skating regalia practicing for an upcoming dance skating competition, some in jeans and polos chatting with friends, and some in dressier clothes than I manage to put on for work. They all glide across the floor like butter in a hot pan.

I pick up my speed and try to regain my quad legs after a winter of exclusion. It isn't long before I am approached by the lady who heads this particular skate up. She reminds me of my posture and discusses a few techniques with me. Then, she is off in a fluid backwards motion. Next, comes one of the men I met when I entered. He reminds me to watch my knees and reiterates how to become better and has a conversation with me. Then, he's off with another regular that comes up next to me. Another friendly face approaches and introduces himself and discusses where and when else they skate and even shakes my hand while skating (I thought I might face plant on this one). I am feeling so amazing to be in this place that I haven't realized that I have been on the floor for almost half an hour at this point.

The next step in this amazing journey is to partake in some exercises and practice with those that lead this skate up. I'm game, lets try it! This wasn't as hard as I thought it might be, but it was awe inspiring to see these amazing people doing it. It was definitely worth the time and work out! I got the opportunity to speak with a woman in her eighties who has been doing this for 40 years and is continuing. She was amazing on the floor and with the exercises; I was more than impressed and loved speaking with her especially after I found out that she continued doing this even though she broke her hip. Next came the "called out round" where we skated and she gave us directions of the PA. About two motions in, I realize that I could learn a ton from these skaters and what a pleasure that would be. At the end was the one mile challenge that you could "race" or not... I choose the not version, I had already seen what the skaters were capable of! Proudly, I did finish more than the mile in the time allotted, and that was an accomplishment enough for me!

Finally, we were able to go back to an open skate, and I realized that we only had about twenty minutes left. I skated mostly on my own and just practiced what these amazing skaters pointed out to me as I went, I practiced some speed and some combinations that I realized I couldn't do on the "called out round". At the end a bit sweaty, I unlaced my skates, ecstatic that I had come and eager to come and do it again. Most importantly, I came out absolutely inspired. These men and women were amazing skaters, people, and age truly is nothing but a number.

If you find something you love, keep doing it! Don't let age or society tell you what is acceptable and what you should be doing, make your own rules.

That moment

... when you realize that as you grow older your views shift. 

• Saw a bachelorette getting out of her car today and her and her accompanying party looked like they weren't able to get into a bar. This was a bit scary, as I have grown to believe that you should be a lot closer to the 30 marker than the 20 marker to get married. I know it all seems logical to marry young, have kids, etc... but that's just not true. Spend your 20's developing yourself, experiencing culture, and enjoying life; you only get one shot at this - do it right!

... when you wish you could have a conversation with someone, but you can't. 

• Growing up and growing older makes this harder especially when the people you trust with your emotions, complaints, joys, heart, soul, and craziness are few and far between. Be cautious with these connections and nurture them because one day you will not have them any more.

... when you realize that you are learning to stop caring so much about the little things. 

• Middle of the day and we had amazing homemade ice cream from Sweet Cow (gasp) before dinner. Life's uncertain eat dessert first (just not all the time)!

... when you make a conscious decision to work harder at everything. 

• This comes from a background of being required to be an active member of my family. I despise people who choose not to work; if you are of able mind and body to work, you should. I don't care how rich your husband, daddy, mama, grandmama is, you should work. This can be as limited as a part time job paired with volunteering or as much as a full time job to help plan for retirement. What I know is this is one of the reasons for a weakened sense of self and country. 

... when you realize that small things still make you happy. 

• Enjoyed the hell out of (Fast & the) Furious 6! Six installments later and I am still bought in. Same went for the new Star Trek and Iron Man. :-) 

... when getting your ass handed to you sounds like a great idea. 

• I love getting my ass kicked in a variety of ways whether it be through psyching myself up to try out for derby next season, ice skating, or kickboxing class. This is a shift in my own thoughts and it is for the better. It really just means find something you love and go all in. 

... when you realize that family is priority. 

• When you come from a background where family is complicated the decisions you make in regards to them will shape your future relationships. Those that you consider family (blood or not) are the ones who you are required to make the effort to be with and make memories with. Don't take them for granted - a simple text, a quick email, a card, or a phone call will suffice. Make sure that no matter the next day's outcome your family knows that you love them and will always care for them. Be sure that when they are gone you can make peace with their departure and have a ton of amazing memories to help you make it through the tough times. 

Cookouts, shorts, and popsicles

Summer is almost official, at least by our standards and not the calendar's, with the start of Memorial (Decoration) Day weekend.
First, it is very important to remember that this holiday isn't just about summer cookouts, shorts, and popsicles; it is about those that have given their lives to protect those cookouts, shorts, and popsicles. They have continued to protect all of the things we love and hate about our country. Without them, this weekend wouldn't be possible and our course would have been extremely different. I give my sincerest thanks to all who have served, continue to serve, and will serve in the words of the Zac Brown Band, "I thank God for my life, for the stars and stripes, may freedom forever fly, let it ring. Salute the ones who've died, the ones that give their lives, so we don't have to sacrifice all the things we love like our chicken fried and cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up."
Second, I raise my glass to all of the teachers whose year is done. I know every year is a bittersweet end; we will miss every face that has touched our lives and will remember the ones that touched our hearts, but it is time to see them move on and take the next steps. Every single one of you deserves this break, and for those who don't agree remember teachers have exactly 23 "standard" working days (8 hour days with 185 days per school year) to teach your child everything they need to know for their subject that year. Could you do your year long job in just 23 days? Next, to all of those who take over for the summer (parents, babysitters, nannies, older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...) Enjoy! Children are an amazing gift getting ready for a complicated and ever changing world. Read with them, allow them to think and grow, let them take some risks, challenge them, create with them, imagine with them, read (more) with them, let them fail, let them continue to experience pure joy (the one most adults have lost) rejoice in their smallest successes, nurture them, practice with them, and allow them to express their whole selves.
Finally, here's to summer. Here's to making it count - Don't get lost in the day-to-day, remember to enjoy the moments. Take time with those who mean the most to you because they will not be around forever; utilize this time. Make memories because in the end they will be all that matters, not the amount of "stuff" you let accumulate in your house. Be honest with yourself. Indulge your childish side - visit a water park, buy ice cream from the ice cream man, giggle, splash down a slip and slide, play in the mud, and be genuinely happy. Relax. Finish something. Do something that makes your soul feel good. Enjoy Mother Nature.   
Happy summer everyone!

Scumbag Brain

I went to bed almost two hours ago (I really am 90), and here I am wide awake. 

You know that moment - the one where your brain won't shut down, where it relives everything in fast forward, and causes you grief and anxiety which trash any idea of sleeping. Yup! That's where I'm at. Damn Scumbag Brain.
In a small attempt to try and quell my racing mind, I have come outside to enjoy the almost half moon, stars, floating clouds, random barking dog - seriously that's an issue - and passing traffic noise at an attempt of cathartic release through writing; we'll see how it goes. 

Sometimes I feel like wrangling my thoughts is comparative to my day-to-day life - trying to corral a herd of feral cats. They are all over the place; they can be nasty and vile with significant emotional damage to cute and fluffy with love to spare. Tonight, I feel a bit like an emotional ping pong ball because of this.

These are the (general) moments I have been reliving and the thoughts I want to share to help put them in perspective to life as we know it.

- Sometimes you never get closure - This can hurt on so many levels that it becomes immeasurable. Do your best to make peace with it but know it never truly goes away. 

- Sometimes you lose something that cannot be replaced  - Don't seek a replacement because it will never measure up, and you will always be disappointed in the end. 

- Sometimes you don't know quite what to say - Find a way. You will only continue to try and work out ways to say what you want/need/mean. Write it down, type it out, say it - send it by email, fax, carrier pigeon; it doesn't matter how, but make sure you get it out. 

- Sometimes things don't go as planned - This is normal; get used to it.

- At some point, you will regret something - Remember, regret gets you no where. Try to learn the lesson that life was teaching at the moment and move on. You cannot live on regrets; it will make you sad and bitter. 

- At some point, you will damage something that cannot be repaired - Stop trying to find a way to fix it. What's done is done; and if it is meant to be, it will be. It is a dangerously slippery slope which will eventually consume some part of you. 

- At some point, you will question your decisions - I think I am learning that this is normal. It is a part of transitioning from period to period in your life. Just remember the "what ifs" will only make you sad and miserable; you must focus on the "what nows" because your future is all you can truly control. 

- Finally, you will wonder why - Another slippery slope that can cause you great distress. Try not to dwell here; it is an ugly place that isn't worth the time and energy. 

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think..." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh ~ A.A. Milne

Greatness is within...

... this is the Everlast slogan that is all over the gym that I attend. I see it all the time, yet some days it is harder to comprehend than others. Ever since I have gotten sick, I have felt my belief in that sentiment wax and wane. Before it was easy, I was going to school full time, working full time (including weekends), and going to the gym whenever I could; I rarely slept and was always on the move. Then, it happened, the eight year (and counting) cycle to figure out what is exactly wrong with me and how to fix it. Now, I have to deal with the continuing reminder that greatness comes from within but it is often hard to recognize that when you struggle internally and no one sees that you are "actually sick".
It is hard when you are busting your ass and seeing limited results while all the people around you are preparing for bikini season! It is hard when you are doing what others would view as extraordinarily hard, and when they work half as hard they see results. What is even harder it knowing that people think that because I am just above the average American woman's size that I must do nothing, I must sit at home and eat french fries and potato chips, and that I must not have the will to want to change. These are taxing on the mental and emotional capacities and make it hard to remind myself that greatness DOES come from within.
Remember, no matter what you are struggling with, some one is struggling more and that you have to compare yourself to you - in life you can't measure your success by "keeping up with the Jones's", you must measure it by always improving you. So say "screw it" it the masses that have a skewed vision of "perfection" and become the most perfect you you can be because none of us are going to make it out alive anyway and in the end what will matter is what you did to make your life and being meaningful to you.

Bad days and fishnets

"Bad days" are the pinnacle of first world problems. In the scheme of all problems, my bad day wasn't even a drop in the bucket, but it was enough to get me down. Generally, I try not to let days like these get to me especially when parts of it are medically caused(though I think a few of my friends, who are kind enough to listen to me whine, may be to differ). I know that I am truly fortunate, and that is where I prefer to let my thoughts lie.

So, I moved onto more "important" (hahaha) things, as in I have nothing to wear for pimps and hos night at kickball. I mean what thirty year old woman has no "ho" attire in her closet?!?!? No fishnets, no leopard print, no skin tight Lycra - nothing. (Okay, maybe I do have some heeled thigh high boots, but can I really manage to wear those for kickball - haven't committed to that yet!) 

What is a woman to do? Ahhh, yes, the internet - wealth of knowledge please tell me what I can wear for pimps and hos night. No, I don't want to be directed to Ebay. No, I don't want to look at your shopping for hos. Dammit! Stop trying to sell me s&*t! Reasonably, I must have something in my closet that should be passable, oh wait I have no Lycra, no leopard print, and no fishnets perhaps not. Search again. Costume ideas for pimps and hos night.  No, I don't want to be directed to Ebay. No, I don't want to look at your shopping for hos. Dammit! Stop trying to sell me s&*t! Okay, lets try being "creative" and searching for thrift store costume ideas - BUST! But at least they stopped trying to sell me s&*t. 

Now I sit still pondering what to wear for pimps and hos night and the practicality of that in order to clear up a few bad days. My reminder to you - be honest with your thoughts, keep things in perspective, and fishnets will always cause a few smiles! 

Toilet paper, floss, and a lesson in having fun

Let me begin by saying if you are thinking of doing something that is a bit outside your comfort zone but seems like it could be a good time, DO IT! 

This story begins with a simple statement as, "Honey, lets play kickball." Now, you have to understand, I am not exactly the competitive sports do something with a ball type of person; I couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a bat and ball if my life depended on it - rec league volleyball is about as "crazy" as I get. I was assured it would be fun. Begrudgingly, I accepted; this was nowhere near my comfort zone - fabulous. Now, fast forward to getting ready to sign up and pay our dues - "Oh, by the way, it's beer in hand kickball!" Say what?!?! What in the hell does this mean? Google. Google. Google. Must Google! 

Google leads me to to league's page (Yes, there is an entire league dedicated to beer in hand kickball). What do you mean I have to have a drink in hand at all times in an open cup, I can barely catch a huge ass rubber ball with two hands!?!?!? Too late now, I am officially on a team and scheduled for our first games. I begin reading the rules and am a bit relieved that this is not a serious competitive league that we are playing on (whew! there are actually some of those too), and in the summer time a slip and slide can take the place of the second to third base run - those things were so much fun! I amazingly survive games 1 & 2 and manage to have a bit of fun. Game 3 was a little crazy as the other team was way to competitive and needed to relax a little OR join a different league. Game 4 was a great time, and I have found myself enjoying it more and more. Game 5 is on its way, assuming the weather holds, and my awkward prom costume is pretty much complete. My lesson learned is to step outside the bounds as often as you can, you never know where random and hilarious fun may be found!

And on life lessons, as I am creeping rapidly to the marker of thirty one, there are a few things I have learned - never settle for cheap toilet paper, cheap dental floss, love that isn't the "throw you against the wall" soap opera style, and cheap running shoes! 

Holy Hell Batman! Where did the time go?

It is amazing how quickly time passes.

This has been one hell of a thirtieth year! I am three months outside of thirty one; how did that happen? I am really not sure.

So, in this thirtieth year I have learner several things; life is still unexpected, family is extremely important, therapy can be helpful, and at thirty you still don't have a great idea who you are!

I have obviously fallen short on blogging more often which probably isn't a good thing, but I have kept up with many of my other ideals from the very beginning. Finding myself has been a little trickier than I imagined because delving deep within yourself and bringing things to light can be scary, painful, and hurtful to others, however it is proving important and refreshing. Obviously haven't found that serenity yet...

I will update soon and talk about the things that have been going on, but I just couldn't believe how much time I have let lapse.

Don't wait, time flies by and you lose precious moments with others and especially yourself. Be honest with your wants, needs, relationships, and values. Love what you do for a living and where you are living; we get one shot to get this right and it isn't a given - seek it out, work hard, love deeply, and play harder.